An Explanation....I Suppose

"Let Adversity Make You A Better Person"

Well, I guess I brought it on myself by making myself all "public" and everything.  I really kind of liked the hermit lifestyle, living in hibernation and all, but then it was suggested that I make a "blog"(still have a rough time with that word...heh), and then sin of all sins for me, I went public on FACEBOOK.  I still can't believe that I open myself up every day to the whole world.  I have really been quite a recluse this past several years.  So...that brings me to the purpose of this "post".

I guess I have said a few things and I guess people have ask a few questions, so the word has kind of gotten out there that well, somethings not quite right with me.  Well, for those of you have known me forever, you knew all along that there was something wrong...heh!  I was just able to mask it to the rest of the world.  Right?  I have a hard time opening up and telling the world what is "really wrong" with me, but maybe it's best to do it this way, rather than have the speculations.  So hear goes....I will try!

To begin with I must give a little history of my life I suppose.  I had always been very active, physically.  I was married when I was 21 and I had 4 boys and 2 miscarriages by the time I was 28.  That took it's toll on me a little, but after our first son was born I found it boring just being a "stay-at-home Mom", so I felt like I needed to do more to help support the family.  I went looking for work.  We moved into an apartment complex in Rexburg where we managed 20 units and 100 college girls for about 3 years, then to another complex that had 60 units and 360 college girls for 2 years and then back to the other complex for another 5 years.  Besides the "managing" part, I did most of the cleaning of the apartments also.

After 10 years of that, we bought a real "fixer upper" home and moved out of town and I had to get a job to help with the payments.  I was able to secure a job at the new Wal-Mart that was coming into town and after 3 months was given the job of Personnel Manager there.  I worked there for 5-1/2 years.  It was while I was working at Wal-Mart that I started having some health issues.  I called them my "spells".  I went to several doctors and no one could tell me what was going on.  I kept track of my "spells"... times, foods I ate, activities, etc. and there was no rhyme or reason to them.  They would leave me very tired, sick, terrible headache, lethargic, etc.  I just learned to live with them.

Jeff was a printer and worked for the Idaho Falls School District and then the Standard Journal Newspaper in town and also run a printing business out of our home.  When I left Wal-Mart I helped out with the printing business and it was really nice to be home with the boys.  I worked hard on the house and the property that we had and we tried to fix things up during that time.  It was nice that I wasn't on such a strict schedule so that when I had my "spells" I was able to just be home and take care of myself.

After being home for 2 years, Jeff was laid off of work and so I started looking for a job.  I was hired part time at Ricks College in the fall of 1999 as a secretary to one of the Administrative Vice Presidents and within about 6 months I was able to be full time.  I went from answering phones to putting the catalog together, helping with the change over from a 2 year college to a 4 year University, working with the curriculum, coordinating the student travel, scheduling rooms on campus, dealing with professor contracts, and a plethora of other duties.  I loved my job!  It was really busy but I loved the people I worked with and it made me stretch myself.  The benefits were awesome and I could see myself working there for the rest of my life.

In September of 2003 I woke up about 3 am and Jeff was at my side.  I ask him what was up and he said that I had just had a grand mal seizure.  It about scared him to death.  I don't remember any of it.  I had a hard time remembering what day it was and what I had done the day before.  I had about bit my tongue off and as the day wore on my entire body felt like I had worked it really hard because all of my muscles had tightened up during the seizure. 

They did some tests, an MRI for MS and a few other things, but sort of dismissed it as a fluke.  I took a few days off of work.  The day I went back to work I remember looking at my pile of things I needed to do and thinking "oh my, what do I do with these?"  I would move them from one place to the other on my desk and then back again not knowing what to do with them. Then slowly I remembered how to do something, and eventually things came back. 

I started seeing a Neurologist in Idaho Falls and we started tests, EEG's and such, and we started trying different medications.  It was then that I learned that my "spells" had actually been mini seizures.  It was very clear to the doctors what they were now.  I continued to have the mini seizures.

In November of that same year, 3 months later, I woke up about 3 or 4 in the morning with Jeff at my side and I had had another grand mal seizure.  My Neurologist decided to send me to Salt Lake to the University of Utah to a Neurologist to try to help me, since he didn't seem to be able to.  I went through more tests down there, and tried more medications.  And once again, I went through the process of trying to remember how to do my job again. 

Things seemed to get better and I thought that finally I was going to have this thing under control when I finally hit the year mark since I had had a grand mal seizure.  But in March of 2005 I woke up and Jeff said that I had had 3 grand mal seizures already.  I was very sick and then later I had another, making it 4 in one night.  I lost a big part of my memory at that time and had to be away from work for quite awhile.  They found someone to replace me temporarily and then I got a letter saying they would have to replace me permanently.  That was a huge blow.  What a sad, sad day that was for me.  I loved my job.

Well, the last 5 years I have been on disability.  I lost my privileges of driving and working.  I have had so many tests that are very invasive.  Scary tests.  They would really like to do brain surgery to remove the area that is causing the seizures, but that to me is very scary!  At least now I know what I can and can't do.  The medications that I am on now do not completely control my mini seizures, but I have not had a grand mal seizure in over 2 years.  There are many side effects of the medications, one being osteo arthritis which is probably the hardest one for me to get use to since I can't get out and do all the things that I use to love to do.  But I try to keep myself busy and I take life one day at a time.  I never know what the day will bring and I can't plan too far in advance.  I celebrate the good days and try to accomplish something, "anything" on the bad days.

So, on my first blog post I wrote that "Let Adversity Make You A Better Person".  It has been through this whole experience that I have learned much, and am still learning.  It is a process and I don't think we ever stop the learning.  Someday we will know the "why" in our experiences, but for now we must just work through the experiences and try to make the best of them and maybe we can help someone else along the road. 

Until next time!  Becky